


Unpredictable

by UP2L8



Series: Sex Shop AU [14]
Category: Fullmetal Alchemist - All Media Types
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-14
Updated: 2019-07-14
Packaged: 2020-06-27 22:28:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,516
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19799029
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UP2L8/pseuds/UP2L8
Summary: It looked like someone had taken a firehose to the place. Dirty water puddled the floor, dotted with what looked like decayed leaves and floating chunks of crap Ed didn’t care to identify.





	Unpredictable

**Author's Note:**

> No point to this. It just is. ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

It was a beautiful day. Walking out of the George Street lecture hall Ed was struck by the fact that it was finally, officially summer. 

Never mind calendar dates and day lengths and the sun’s observable distance from the nearest geographic pole. Summer was this: clear blue skies, cool breezes off the lake, and warm sunshine. And ice cream, but that would have to wait. Ed had to get his ass to work. 

By the time he got off the bus, Ed was definitely looking forward to being at work for the next six hours. That was the one major downside to summer; at three in the afternoon it was _beyond_ hot. The current temperature had to be in the nineties. With the overnight storm that had rumbled through town and the ensuing humidity, it felt much hotter. The city bus was a rolling sauna, and Pothos Boutique was air conditioned. 

Usually. 

Ed stepped through the door and slammed on his brakes in the threshold, stunned. 

The store was a disaster. 

It looked like someone had taken a firehose to the place. Dirty water puddled the floor, dotted with what looked like decayed leaves and floating chunks of crap Ed didn’t care to identify. 

Komal Baji, Jad Sahib’s mom, looked across the store when Ed walked through the propped open door and smiled from her precarious position on the top step of a rickety ladder, hands filled with soggy cardboard boxes. 

“Baji, come down,” Ed said as he hurried over to stabilize the ladder. “Let me do that. What happened?” 

The chubby older woman descended nimbly from her perch and shoved the wet cardboard at Edward to make her aadab, then patted him on the cheek. “Ah, Edward, we have a mess.” 

It was a mess that could have been avoided with a little preventive maintenance. 

The strip mall where Pothos made its home was of standard construction: a low cost, single story, long building with a flat steel roof. 

The flat roof part was the problem. 

The building’s owner had been aware for quite some time that water had been accumulating up there, as a number of geese had been regularly using it as a rest stop in their biannual migration for the last couple of years. Someone should have checked the runoff and cleared the blockage. No one did. So water, as it tends to do, had taken the initiative to find its own way to flow downhill. 

Straight through Pothos Boutique. 

A combination of corrosion and the weight of the accumulated water had finally taken its toll on the steel in a few key areas, and Berta had arrived early that morning to discover the floor flooded with murky water and rotted leaves, along with a lot of damaged sex toys. By the time Ed showed up for his shift, most of the water had been mopped up and large sheets of plastic had been nailed up on the ceiling to catch the water that was still flowing in. The plastic sheets were arranged to act as makeshift funnels with strategically placed drain holes allowing the accumulating water to drip into buckets placed below. 

It was a disaster all the way around, but the bullshit icing on this fucked up cake was that the air conditioner was toast. On top of everything else, the store was a soggy, humid oven. 

Pothos was still open for business of course. Jad Sahib would not stand for losing a single day’s sales for any conceivable reason. No disaster was an acceptable excuse to close the store. Not a flood. Not extreme heat. Not even Armageddon, probably. 

So it was business as usual. Except, you know, in a store that was a waterlogged disaster. 

Now that Edward had arrived, Komal Baji proceeded to supervise the cleanup and recovery effort with all the finesse of a boot camp drill sergeant. Not that she directed from the sidelines; she pulled out an iPad and continued her video documentary of the mess complete with running commentary. Berta continued to mop while Ed bagged up damaged merchandise, all the while serving any customers brave enough to come into the store. There were very few. 

One of them was the horny dude from Valentine’s Day. 

The tall, gangly man paused in the doorway, tipping up his sunglasses to get a better look, then shrugged and strolled in. He looked as cool as a cucumber despite the fur collar. Spotting Ed, he offered a grin that any shark would be proud of and sauntered over, carding his hand through spiky hair. 

“Golden boy!” he hailed. “Long time no see!” 

Ed had not missed him. “Hey,” he said, completely neutral, “What can I do for you?” 

“Plenty,” Spikey leered. “But you’re ‘not interested’,” he even used air quotes, jeez, “So for now, I need another one of those pussies in a can that you sold me last time I was here.” 

“What, a Fleshlight? You starting a collection?” Ed led him over to the display. Fortunately, the ‘lights were packaged in sealed plastic clamshells, so they were unscathed. 

Spikey rubbed his chin thoughtfully. “Not a bad idea. But no. I wore the last one out.” 

Ed wasn’t the only one who stopped dead and stared. Komal Baji and Berta swung around to stare too. 

“You wore it out?” Ed asked, incredulous. Spikey nodded. “Doing what?” 

Spikey’s leer faltered. “Well, fucking it. That’s what it’s for,” he explained. 

“Yeah, but they’re supposed to last . . .” Ed shook his head. “You know what? I’m not even sure if there’s a warranty on them. I’ve just, never heard of anyone wearing one out.” 

The leer was back. “Interested yet?” 

“ _No_.” 

Spikey shrugged, undaunted. “I got time.” 

He took it, checking out Pothos fine selections of porn star orifices, finally settling on someone’s. He tossed the canister up in the air and caught it behind his back, grinning. 

Ed was in the process of cashing out tall dark and thirsty when he saw something drop out of the ceiling from between two of the plastic sheets. It was black, sort of like a length of rubber hose, but twisting more like a piece of rope as it fell. It was heavy enough to make a substantial splash on impact. 

The shiny black rope-thing was alive, judging by the way it curled and squirmed and then seemed to home in on Komal Baji. It took Ed a moment to wrap his head around just what he was looking at. 

It was a millipede. A _huge_ one. 

The goddamned thing had to be at least half a foot long. That alone was a feature that some of Pothos’ customers would find thoroughly intimidating. The blurred fringe of legs and sinuous movements were just horrific bonus qualities. 

Spikey noticed Ed’s wide eyes and turned to see what had caught his attention. “What the actual fuck?” he breathed. 

Cue the slow-motion sequence. The millipede had almost reached Komal Baji. Berta noticed it first and let out a screech, running over with the mop raised like a battle axe. Komal Baji caught sight of the giant bug and kicked out, launching it toward Berta. Berta swung the mop like Barry Bonds psyched for his next homerun, and connected. The millipede reversed course, zooming straight at Spikey. Ed grabbed Spikey by a shoulder and slammed him down to the counter just in time for the monster to jet over his head. The millipede sailed out the door. 

To return a moment later, clinging to Roy Mustang's tee shirt. 

Roy looked down to see what had hit him in the chest. Everyone else held their breath. 

Roy nonchalantly brushed the creature to the floor, where it made a quick escape under the shoe racks. Then, hands in pockets, he strolled up to the counter like nothing had happened. 

“Holy shit, Lover Boy,” Spikey said quietly. “You’ve got more nerve than Captain America.” 

“What, because of a bug?” Roy snorted. “I spent nearly four years in Africa. I’m probably on a first name basis with that little guy’s grand dad.” 

“I wish you’d taken sonny-boy outside,” Berta said with a grimace. “If I can’t be sure it’s gone for good, I think I’m going to have to quit.” 

“I’ll add a visit from the Orkin man to the insurance claim,” Komal Baji said, making note of it on her iPad. 

“What happened here?” Roy asked. 

Komal Baji took command of the retell while everyone else took the opportunity to compose themselves in the aftermath of their epic battle. 

“I think this situation calls for some ice cream,” Roy decided when he’s been brought up to date. 

Ed knew he loved this man for good reasons. 

Spikey was looking at Roy over his glasses, hope shining in his eyes. 

Roy sighed. “Would you like ice cream too?” he asked, resigned. 

“Yes please!” Spikey said, grinning naturally for a change. “Where are you getting it? I can give you a hand.” 

Which is how a flood, a broken air conditioner, and a millipede spawned an ice cream party extraordinaire.

**Author's Note:**

> There you have it. Next one in the works.


End file.
